I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
