When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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