I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
