maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
