New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
