Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
