This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
