Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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