the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
