dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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