The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
