dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
