I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
