Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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