Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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