shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
