I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
