it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
