Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
