You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
