She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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