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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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