He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
