Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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