Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
