im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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