took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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