I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
