I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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