Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
