I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
