My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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