i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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