Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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