This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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