Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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