I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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