Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
