please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
