I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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