Swine flu. Run for my life!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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