Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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