My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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