Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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