dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
