I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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