dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
