i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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