That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
