Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
